I'm jealous of your bromance
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
