My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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