ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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