I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
