I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
