i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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