i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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