I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
