my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
