New low: just hacked my moms facebook
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
