I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
