he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i think i have two assholes
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize