this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
