I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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