his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
