his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
