the condom got lost in my hair
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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