Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
