I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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