Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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