I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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