Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Randomize
