I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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