So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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