Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
