So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
