Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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