When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
