I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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