and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
