the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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