Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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