I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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