if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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