i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
