mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
