Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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