my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
