I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
