youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
