I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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