Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
