Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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