i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize