oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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