The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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