Best friends brother. Beat that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
