in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
