There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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