My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
