Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize