You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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