I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
