I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
A+ Viking dick
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
