omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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