Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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